Watch the full training HERE.

When it comes to relationships, many people start to get tongue-tied and shut down when it comes to asking for what they want. It’s important to be clear about what you want in your relationships. 

If you don’t ask, you’re not likely to get it, at least not get it exactly how you want it. You might get some approximation of what it is you want, but you’re gonna get much closer to what you actually want if you begin to ask for it.

And if you’re expecting people to read your mind, it’s unfair to them. And it’s unfair to you because you don’t get what you want. 

Today I’m going to share five things to help you ask for what you want more readily, and with less shame, and ideally without any shame at all.

1. Shame is the soup we swim in.

Shame is developed based on how we’re raised. Most of us have been raised in punitive cultures where punishment and fear of being shamed or fear of being ostracized are used as a way to keep children in line. So don’t take the presence of shame to mean anything true about yourself. Be gentle with yourself around it and move on.

2. Get clear about what YOU want…

… as opposed to what you were taught to want. This is sometimes the hardest step, because many of us were fed what desires are permissible to have by our family, culture, religion, and education. So many of us don’t actually know what our individual desires are, especially if they fall outside the bounds of what we’ve been taught is okay to want.

3. Remember it’s a gift to others to be clear and direct about what you want.

Asking someone to be a mind reader is hard. And letting them know in indirect ways that they didn’t get it right, like showing your disappointment by going quiet or looking away, are painful. Whereas if you’re clear and direct about what you want, it makes it easier for other people to opt into that, or say no. If you’re hinting and not being direct, it makes it so much harder for somebody to win with you. 

4.  Be appreciative when people get it right.

Be appreciative. Be grateful. Show people your delight. It feels good to win with someone by doing something that has them feel good and be happy. So show that!

5. Ask for exactly what you want 

Don’t shrink what you want to what you think you can get and stick around to negotiate. It’s not a one way street. It’s not my way or the highway. It’s, “Here’s exactly how I want it.” If that differs from how the other person wants it, then talk about the points of difference and work it out. But don’t hold back what you want to avoid having THAT conversation. That calculation is like 1000 tiny paper cuts to your self-regard and self-care.

Watch the full training HERE.

The relationship you desire is possible! If you’re partnered, click HERE to discover what missing pieces are stopping you from having the connection and passion you desire.

If you’re single and/or dating, click HERE to to take an honest look at where you are now and where you need to grow in order to attract the love you want.